quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
