I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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