Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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