Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Is it because I queefed?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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