her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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