I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
a search helicopter?!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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