kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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