Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
