Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
