I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
