I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
