what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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