Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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