Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
