there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
