the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize