Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
