Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
