I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize