In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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