batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
