my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
