so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
