I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
where are my eyebrows?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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