I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
