Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
