well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize