I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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