We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm just crazy horny about you
We were destined to go to rehab together
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
