My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
