but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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