My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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