She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
