he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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