I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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