the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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