considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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