Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
