i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
