dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
