My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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