I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
