I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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