you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's like iHOP with fire
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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