my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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