When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
