It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
