i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
