I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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