You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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