Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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