'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
