So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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