WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm at about main and main street
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
