Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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