There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
