So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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