i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
