Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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